What We Left Behind

Jack's pediatrician had referred us to a child psychologist in Atlanta who specializes in autism spectrum disorders for a developmental assessment. Actually, I had requested it, but he thought it was a good idea as well. After a lot of thinking and praying, Ben and I have decided that I will go to a two day work week beginning in August so that I can be with Jack as much as possible this year before he begins school. He will be starting a new preschool in August three mornings a week and we just felt that it would benefit him for me to be with him the rest of the time so that we could get him wherever he needed to be whenever he needed to be there this year as we try to get him ready for Kindergarten.

The first thing I wanted to do was get this developmental assessment so that we could have a good, concrete plan for him this coming year. I really liked the doctor: she was great with Jack, seemed VERY knowledgeable AND she seemed to be right on target with the things she noticed about Jack and his particular situation. I had heard from others in the autism community that she was catching small things that other doctors wouldn't necessarily catch and I found that to be true. She was very thorough and seemed to really understand Jack. She talked to me a lot and gave lots of suggestions that I'm planning to implement soon, but we won't have her full report and recommendations (including a diagnosis) for about 10-14 days.

I'm anxious to see what all she recommends so we can really hit the ground running this summer, but if I'm honest, a part of me was a little disappointed too. I know that Jack has autism and I know that the differences I see are there for a reason. But he is high functioning and there are a lot of his behaviors that I could just chalk up to eccentricity or a bad day. There was a small part of me that thought, "Maybe she'll just come in after the testing and say, 'I think he's fine. I think he's going to do just fine in school without any extra help.' " I knew that wasn't likely to happen but I have to say there was a part of me (a really small part) that thought it was a possibility.

I hope that nobody misreads this. If you've read my blog for long, then you know that overall, we embrace Jack's autism. I know that it is part of who he is and I LOVE who he is. And at home, things are great.... when it's just our family, things are great... when I can mostly control his environment, things are great. What I haven't been able to embrace completely is the idea of school and how Jack is going to do not only in that social environment, but in such a structured learning environment. And I gotta tell you, it would have been nice to hear, "I think he's going to do great in school - no problems!" It would have been a RELIEF to hear that.

I didn't hear that. While the doctor was very complimentary of Jack and his abilities, she didn't mince words about his needs either. She talked at length about his many sensory issues and his lack of conversational language and how visual he is and how all these things could cause difficulties in the school setting. She wasn't negative at all - just clear on the fact that there were issues and there were things he needed.

I knew all this and the biggest part of me was justified in what I, as a Mom, had seen. I wasn't overreacting; I wasn't just not disciplining him correctly; we weren't wasting our time and money worrying about something that wasn't there. But because Jack is high-functioning, there are times when I would think that maybe I WAS just overreacting to the situation and if I just backed off, things would all work themselves out.

It was ironic that I attended Jack's observation day at swimming lessons on Friday. It was SO obvious how far behind Jack was in motor skills. I mean, like REALLY far behind. There was a skill for all the other kids to do and then Jack did something else... always with assistance and always with a lot of reluctance. I gotta say... it wasn't my most comfortable and fun 30 minutes of my life. I had a sudden urge to get all the four and five year old kids out of the pool and giving a reading and spelling test to even things out a little:) Just kidding, but it really was hard to see how far he had to go. I think having watched that helped me hear what the doctor was saying.

All in all, I'm thrilled with our visit. We have found someone that I think can put us on a great track for the coming year. This doctor was ABOUT it and very proactive and decisive and knowledgeable (ALL qualities I LOVE!!). And I'm ready to get started. I took so many great things with me from that visit. A lot of information, understanding, and excitement about finding out exactly what we need to do!

But I left some things behind too - the most important being Dave the Giraffe (can you believe we forgot him???). Along with him, I left the idea that this is just going to go away; the idea that Jack is going to be able to do everything the same way that other kids do them; the idea that I can just ignore the differences and they might go away. And it was a good thing - to let it all go - to leave it there. The doctor's office mailed Dave back to us, but I didn't even ask for all the other things we left behind.